I was watching Question Time last night as Nicola was on the panel. As always, she acquits herself very well and her answers were precise, complete and with an absence of spin. If you were looking for spin, well Labour’s Caroline Flint was on the panel so we’re on for a thick serving of spin and smarm.
Over the years I have seen many a politician transcend the shackles of the ‘Whip’ and become elder statesmen and women. You might expect that from Michael Heseltine in his twilight years, but you would be wrong. I have heard him speak on tame subjects and come across very statesmanlike. However, it is clear that when you confront him with certain subjects it is almost as if someone sneaks on the podium, unseen, and administers a stupidity jab.
Last night he managed three absolute whoppers. His view on youth unemployment was simple. These kids need to learn numerousy and literacy. Actually, if that was so important how come we have immigrants coming into this country unable to speak the language but still able to find work. OK it is usually pretty mundane work but compared to the life they have come from, mopping floors for a wage is a serious improvement and good luck to them.
Perhaps Heseltine believes we should educate our kids then get them started in the workplace mopping out toilets, stacking shelves or sweeping the streets?
I could almost dismiss his huge gaff as a senior moment or an earlier knock on the head but he moved on to one of his favourite topics, the Scots. If Nicola, or Alex, held the balance of power in Westminster after GE15 they would, he claims, secure even more funding the the Scots scroungers. The English would be subsidising Scots to an ever increasing extent. I had a sudden flashback to a time when he was in power under Thatcher and they funded every single one of their failed policies with the proceeds of North Sea oil and gas. Sorry, Scottish North Sea oil and gas.
When he was making his comments I couldn’t help but notice certain factions of the audience lifted straight out of Orwell’s ‘animal farm’. The pigs in the audience were snorting loudly and clapping their trotters together with squeals of glee as their Lord and master tells them what they want to believe.
When he was in office as Secretary of State for Defence from 1983 to 1986 Heseltine’s (aka Tarzan) passion was bashing the CND.
Was it any wonder that Tarzan got very animated when a BBC set question from the audience asked if Scotland have won the referendum would they remove Trident. Actually, the answer to that question is fabulously simple – YES.
One women in the audience piped up to claim that if Scotland didn’t want Trident she would be glad to have it in the North East. I had to re-run that bit and she actually did say that. The only word that comes to mind has to be ‘retard’. Even as I write I imagine her house is being daubed with CND signs – or as Lord Sir Gordon Brown would put it – stupit wummin.
Nicola pointed out that the cost of upgrading Trident over the next 35 years was £100 billion. As much as £4 billion a year. Bannatyne piped up that that was incorrect. He has multiplied 35 by 4 in his head and could not get it to 100? Nicola explained that the 4 was not an overall average – Bannatyne is at his best when he keeps his mouth shut.
However, this led into a bit of a ding dong over the effectiveness of Trident as a deterrent. Tarzan was almost out of his chair in anger, ‘we had managed to stay out of wars since 1945 because we have Trident’. Michael, there is the small matter of the Falklands, Yugoslavia, Iraq, Libya, Syria and Afghanistan – I suppose we could also include Ireland. America, as a nuclear power has avoided conflicts because of it nuclear capability with the small exception of their conflicts in 134 States under the banner of their war on terror.
In actual fact, we are heavily involved in wars but Joe public is blind to it because the fighting is not in our streets – we are playing ‘away’ games, fighting in their garden.
So here’s the thing. Think of a country that doesn’t like England. OK, too big a list. Let’s say Russia attacked the UK with conventional weapons; would we deploy Trident? of course not. If Russia attacked us with battlefield nuclear weapons, the ones with the very limited blast zone, would we deploy Trident? Of course not. However, there would come a point when we are almost done for and we have no other option than our deterrent. Before we do, we call up the Kremlin and tell them we are really mad now and if they don’t stop immediately we will deploy Trident which means we all die! Exactly, even in the Kremlin they know how to laugh out loud!
Heseltine calls that a ‘deterent’, I call that suicide. This is the O J Simpson moment from Blazing Saddles, … ‘get back or the n…. gets it’.
So finally, this got me thinking.
£100 billion for the Trident upgrade? of course no military contract has ever delivered on budget – lets call it £200 or £250 billion. That buys a lot of food banks? Scotland doesn’t want Trident, never has.
My suggestion at the breakfast table brought howls of laughter! So here it is.
We live in a world of computer graphics and animation at a mind blowing level. We constantly watch films and have to remind ourselves ‘it’s only a film’. A big part of our lives is in fact fiction, fantasy and make belief.
Why not do both?? Let’s pretend we still have Trident. We adorn the fence all along the Gareloch with big signs, ‘THE HOME OF TRIDENT – REALLY SCARY NUCLEAR DEFENSE – UPGRADED 2015’. Inside Faslane and Coulport we could have big wooden submarines and paper mashie nuclear bombs. I reckon we could do the lot for about 20 grand – do a really good job.
Of course, you can never keep something like this a secret. Sooner of later word will get to the Kremlin that Britain is only pretending to have Trident? Oh, and they also have great infrastructures, new factories, new housing everywhere, loads of new hospitals and schools and all the food banks have been moved to the museum! The Russians will listen to this breaking news and use that well tried Glasgow expression, AYE … RIGHT?
I think you could say we have won a watch, or is that a whole new economy. But is does not end there? oh no! The Russians are not stupid. Sooner or later they will realise that they have spent a fortune on mutually assured self-destruction. The Brits are pretending to pretend they have scrapped Trident – we will actually scrap our nuclear weapons, pretend they still have them and become even richer!
Some would say that the US has already done this and in fact much of their achievement are rooted in CG. I mean, did they really land on the moon? come on?
Now, if I am right and all of this comes to pass and one day the major powers of the world have a massive fall out and decide to go to war with each other. All around the world we will hear the cry ..
FIST FIGHT …. FIST FIGHT.
When the conflict comes to an end, every A & E department all over the world will be brim full of people nursing black eyes and broken noses.
Now, I don’t fancy a black eye or a broken nose – but it sure beats getting vapourised!!