Let’s see if I’ve got this right? The Westminster Labour Party has asked their Scottish Social Group, often referred to as the Scottish Labour Party, to set up a Working Group to determine the party’s 10 point General Election Manifesto ‘Vow’.
This Group of Labour Illuminati may have included James Murphy, Margaret Curran, Jackie Baillie, Kezia Dugdale with special input from Lord Sir Gordon Brown, Baron Darling of Belgravia and Anthony Blair (hereinafter referred to as ‘the accused’).
After much deliberation, their fully costed Vow is an ambitious vote catcher that will no doubt launch them into office indefinitely.
Vow 1 – The budget deficit must be paid down in the next 5 years. However, the structural deficit and the core debt that together amount to around £1.7 trillion should also be paid off putting the UK back into the black, debt wise, since 1707. Ambitious it may be but the Illuminati are determined and commit to use the proceeds of their new mansion tax on homes worth over £2 million to pay for this.
Vow 2 – The National Health Service is fundamental to the British way of life. Out of respect for Keir Hardie, their founder and Clement Attlee, the NHS will be ring fenced and funded by an inflation busting formula. 100,000 new clinician will be employed to cut waiting times down so low that people will be able to attend A & E, 5 minutes before they have an accident. NIC will be abolished, prescription charges will be abolished and parking at all hospitals in the UK will be free. Sick people cannot be expected to be able to wash and valet their cars so all parked cars will be washed, waxed and valeted while patients are undergoing vital pampering. Ambitious it may be but the Illuminati are determined and commit to use the proceeds of their new mansion tax on homes worth over £2 million to pay for this.
Vow 3 – Education is absolutely vital in a modern Britain and the Illuminati are determined to give our youngsters the best start in life. Nursery, pre-school breakfast clubs, schools, colleges and Universities will be free to all citizens under 65. That long forgotten crate of silver top milk bottles will return to our class rooms but will include bowls of Multi Cheerios and croissants to get the learning day off to a good start. Older students will not received this benefit. However, at the end of a hard working day in the classroom or auditorium students can expect a selection of wine boxes, a complimentary 11 gallon keg of best bitter and a selection of cheeses to restore some of the energy they have expended. Examinations will be more rigorous. However, student will be allowed to practice for their exams using the actual test paper rather than some contrived and irrelevant past papers. Ambitious it may be but the Illuminati are determined and commit to use the proceeds of their new mansion tax on homes worth over £2 million to pay for this.
Vow 4 – Pensions are vital to ensure our elders feel secure in their twilight years. Free care home places with Sky Movies, Sky Sports and the Adult channels will be available to the over 50s and free at the point of getting on a bit. Of course the ‘life of Reilly’ is not for everyone, so the Illuminati will index link pensions to the level of MPs expenses. However, the over 50s will qualify for their heating allowance, fuel for their car allowance, home cinema system and a weekly bottle of brandy and a single malt to keep up their flagging spirits. A new ‘age-busting’ immigration scheme will be introduced to encourage millions of workers from anywhere in the world into the UK if they are under 21 and prepared to work to support the UK pension classes. Ambitious it may be but the Illuminati are determined and commit to use the proceeds of their new mansion tax on homes worth over £2 million to pay for this.
Vow 5 – In 1975 the then Labour MP Jim Callaghan banged his head on an overhead locker and suffered a temporary loss of memory. As the North Sea oil came ashore like a massive tide, PM Jim, still suffering from that bump completely forgot to put a bit aside for the future and spent the lot. The Illuminati are determined to put this right for once and for all with a significant Oil Resilience Fund. Over 3 to 5 years this fund will grow to a level that impresses even the Norwegians. When barrel prices take a bit of a dip the resilience fund will kick in to shore up the industry. This will be called the Labour Kickin’ Point. Oil workers who can show they live in Aberdeen will be given a week’s paid leave to recover from the stress of an oil price drop. Ambitious it may be but the Illuminati are determined and commit to use the proceeds of their new mansion tax on homes worth over £2 million to pay for this.
Vow 6 – Trident is vital to the UK’s defenses. However, the Illuminati are cognisant of the peace camp at Faslane and protests by locals in the Clyde peninsula. Following a short study and a visit to the peace camp the Illuminati have decided on a number of initiatives. The peace camp is nothing if not colourful. The submarines are a dreadful dull grey colour. Budget will be allocated to ensure that all existing submarines will undergo a complete respray. Obviously red will figure prominently in the new colour scheme but popular patterns will include the union jack, a silhouette of ‘the accused’ and a black and white tribute to Baron Darling. There will be an orange one, of course, and a royal ermine sub. The subs will remain nuclear powered. However, the kitchen will be based on log burners except when they are on the surface. Trident is of course a deterrent so budget will be allocated to paint the front of the submarines with the head of a vicious wild animal; such as a lion or a tiger. To placate local residents concerned about radio-active leaks and complaints that the Firth of Clyde glows of an evening all residents of Faslane and Coulport will be issued with Ray-Ban polarized glasses at minimum UV600. Ambitious it may be but the Illuminati are determined and commit to use the proceeds of their new mansion tax on homes worth over £2 million to pay for this.
Vow 7 – The Economy is at the heart of the Labour movement. In fact as one Labour economist put it in biological terms the economy was a bit like a ‘movement’, or at least that’s how we left it in 2010. Labour is determined to get Britain back on its knees. We need to tackle unemployment so we need a massive increase in zero hours contracts. Labour feels that voting Conservative, LibDem or worse, UKIP, is tantamount to treason – in fact it is even more that tantamount. Electoral reform is essential and a new crime of ‘failing to vote Labour’ will be rushed through the House. With full employment, Labour is committed to restore our manufacturing base. Labour had a huge following in Scotland 50 years ago when all the West of Scotland was a powerhouse of industry. Labour believes we must return to those days and commits to re-open all the shipyards on the Clyde. The steelworks at Ravenscraig will re-open as will the locomotives at Springburn. Singers Sewing Machines are back after a long rest and the Goodyear factor at Drumchapel will be re-built once that golf shop has been ‘dozed. The mills are back at Paisley and good news for Linwood – yes the Hillman Imp goes back into production, the coalfields will again be digging for glory to support Ravenscraig; oh, and the Dennistoun Palais is re-hiring. Happy days. But could this all happen? Ambitious it may be but the Illuminati are determined and commit to use the proceeds of their new mansion tax on homes worth over £2 million to pay for this.
Vow 8 – Infrastructure cannot be overlooked. How can a new Britain succeed without a sustainable energy sector. Every town must have it’s own coal fired power station and cities will be sporting brand new nuclear stations. The super heat from the reactors will provide state of the art Combined Heat and Power schemes to heat the city’s homes. Even the bus shelters will be heated to benefit the homeless and the hopeless. The savage cuts of Beeching to the rail network must be reversed and our canals and waterways will herald a new tide in transport. All our main airports will get an extra runway. Motorways will get an extra lane and police will be tasked to ensure that everyone ‘keeps to the left’; even when on the road? Getting Britain back on the move will underpin the economic recovery. Ambitious it may be but the Illuminati are determined and commit to use the proceeds of their new mansion tax on homes worth over £2 million to pay for this.
Vow 9 – Defense Spending will become ever more essential as Britain’s recovery heralds a much more wealthy society. Johnny foreigner is bound to want a piece of our action so Labour are committed to secure our borders. Reactive security is costly and ineffective. Labour are committed to deploy new technologies based on the Orwellian concept of ‘thought crime’. The Orwellian model of surveillance will be rolled out to all homes. offices and public places using ‘double plus good zero hours contracts’ and new ‘stop and think’ powers for the Stasi (woops, police). As one member of the Illuminati put it, ‘ there is no need for people to be burdened with thinking – we can do that for you in a new Britain’. Ambitious it may be but the Illuminati are determined and commit to use the proceeds of their new mansion tax on homes worth over £2 million to pay for this.
Vow 10 – Foreign Aid is vital to the development of the British Brand. Britain must take back it’s place in the world. We were once a great empire and we can become one again. All we must do is to invest in our overseas partners. The opportunities abound. When did we last see an ‘Ali-ana’ rocket launched from India? Precisely. We need to increase our investment in India’s space programme before it falls too far behind. We know from the North Sea that oil is running out fast. We mustn’t leave it too late to support those countries so dependent on oil before they fall off the economic cliff. Countries like Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Iraq, Iran UAE and don’t forget Russia. When the oil runs out they will be left with sand or snow and where will they be then. Now is a good time for Britain to step up its foreign aid to these countries before it’s too late. Ambitious it may be but the Illuminati are determined and commit to use the proceeds of their new mansion tax on homes worth over £2 million to pay for this.
Now I now that it is a bit of a stretch and even the Labour Illuminati recognise that the proceeds of their new mansion tax on homes worth over £2 million may get stretched a bit thin, Don’t worry – the Illuminati have it covered. One member, might have been Murphy, had a eureka moment when he read that ‘an Englishman’s home is his castle’. Castle, mansion, what’s the difference? very little I would say. OK one has a big front door and a pond, the other has a draw bridge and a moat. Other than that they are much the same. So basically, everybody in England has either a mansion or a castle. So everybody gets a bill of £250+ per month. Perhaps Labour can afford the Labour Illuminati Vows after all? Sorted! Well done Jim.
Footnote: I had a chat with a few people who actually have homes worth over £2 million. The Labour Illuminati made the mistake of thinking that these people secured these homes despite being totally stupid?? Well, of course they are not. In fact many if not most of them are very financially astute. Many of them are older people – that is older people with kids, and grand kids and surveyors, and lawyers and the likes – Oh, and wills!. Even as we speak these people are putting plans in place to hive of parts of their homes to their successors in a sort of early inheritance. Of course it will all be done above board and legal. So, Mr Smith has a home worth £3 million and 2 sons. Each son gets a chunk of the house worth £1 million. So the property, sorry … properties, each property is now worth £1 miilion – well below the magical £2 million pound mark. You might need a brain the size of a planet to work that one out. However, I suspect your average school kid would also get there in a couple of minutes. In fact the only numpty that couldn’t work that one out was a member of …. the blooming Illuminati.
So, apologies if you had a vision of a new Britain, with full employment, great health, secure in our old age, vast wealth, sustainable energy, vibrant transport and communications, secure in our nuclear defenses and with a global philanthropic slant – sorry to rain on your parade, but seems there was a bit of a glitch in the mansion tax thinking. Shame the authors didn’t think to nip next door to the local primary school to give it a quick sanity check????